The past few months have been difficult ones. On the surface (in public) everything looked perfect. Brad and Liz have the "cutest" little girl. She smiles and waves to everyone she sees. She wants to hold hands with everyone she greets. How cute is that? In reality, she would have walked away with a complete stranger and in fact she almost did. If that doesn't stop a mother's heart, I can tell you what will: One night I heard a loud persistent banging coming from Natalie's room. When I entered she was laying on her stomach, lifting her entire upper body up off the mattress and throwing herself down on her face. When I picked up her up and placed her unto her back, I found that she was very much awake! She looked at me with NO recognition in her eyes. I immediately knew that she did not know who I was, so I began to talk to her, and she proceeded to shrink away from me and curl up in the corner of her bed in fear.
That night was a huge wake up call! But it wasn't just night time where we were having problems….things only I knew were not right. Everyone continued to tell me that "she's just a typical 2 year old", but my heart and my head was telling me that there were underlying behaviors that were NOT normal 2 year old characteristics. I was afraid to take her out into public-mainly because total strangers wanted to touch her wherever we went. People I knew, but were complete strangers to her wanted to hold her! I became VERY uncomfortable and fearful. There was an alarm going off in my head that said something was not right with our relationship. We had her tested for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and thank goodness all those tests came back normal. It was recommended that we find an OT qualified in attachment/bonding with adopted institutionalized/abandoned children. We were also "warned" that in this area, there are so few qualified therapists that the waiting list is at least 6 months. After doing my own research, I discovered the waiting list to be 6 mo. to 1 yr. We were cautioned by other OT's and adoptive parents to be sure that the therapist we see is definitely qualified in attachment disorders with institutionalized children because these kids are treated completely different than a biological child with attachment disorders. So, after feeling completely defeated and discouraged, I put us on the waiting list and asked other adoptive mothers for help.
Natalie's head banging at night was getting exceedingly worse. We were also having a harder time getting her to sleep at night-she fights sleep as hard as she can. There were nights I was up with her till 1:00am. And to make matters worse, she refused to be held…she would scream, cry, kick and push me away when I tried to comfort her or hold her. We were told about "holding therapy", where you hold the child against their will as tightly as possible and let them kick and scream until they just give in and go limp. Things were getting so bad and I was so upset because Natalie was pulling away from me and shutting down emotionally, we decided to try that form of therapy without seeing a therapist first. The first night I tried holding her, she became so hysterical that I began to cry. Natalie is so strong! She kicked and squirmed and hit....you should have seen the bruises on my arms! She went on like this so long and so violently we were afraid of doing harm to her heart so we stopped. But I was becoming so desperate that I decided to continue holding her at night-but limited the amount of time and only tried it a few nights a week.
About three weeks ago we turned a corner. After 10 minutes of her fighting I released my hold and instead of her getting off my lap, she put her arms around me and held me tight. After a few more rounds of this we were finally able to calm her down and she finally looked me in the eyes. I looked her directly in the eyes and told her over and over again that we would never leave her and we will always be here when she woke up and that is was safe for her to fall sleep. She fell asleep in my arms for the very first time!!!! I was elated but cautious. The next night Natalie actually WANTED to be on my lap. The first half hour she seemed 'uncomfortable', but then she settled down, looked up at me, held my face, and fell asleep in my arms again!! Most every night since, she has fallen asleep on my lap in the rocking chair. Ever since this change, Natalie has nearly stopped banging her head and sleeping very soundly thru the night.
I have noticed other changes....If she wakes before I get out of bed, she will climb into bed and snuggle up to me and want to be held. She loves to give us hugs and kisses. She will now sit on her Dada's lap and let him read to her. I FINALLY feel a deeper connection to her, and that has made our relationship better. I am also more comfortable with being at home and being her "mama", and I am finding that I have more patience and she is responding better to me as well. I am not quite as "fearful" out in public as I use to be-however, we still do not let strangers touch her or hold her. I want her to learn that not everyone is "as trustworthy as mama and dada" and a simple wave and hello is enough.
I was looking at my daughter's peaceful sleeping face last evening as I was rocking her and I was thinking about all the things she has been thru in her short life and I became overwhelmed. We have been "guessing" the details of Natalie's abandonment-putting together pieces of what may have happened by her behaviors. For example, she hates going to sleep and will do whatever she can to stay awake. Was she abandoned at night? This would make sense, since she was left at the gate of the orphanage-had they left her during the day they may have gotten caught, but at night????? Was she awake or asleep when they said goodbye? Is she afraid to fall asleep because she fears we will not be there when she wakes? Last night Natalie was banging her head. When I went into her room, she started to cry and fuss. Each time I thought I got her back to sleep, laid her down on the bed, then pulled away, she would begin to cry hysterically and grab for me. She was so afraid and sad-my heart just cried out. So I slept in bed with her. (This we have been needing to do more often.) She had to be touching me the whole night.
When I think about what she has been thru in 2 short years, I am amazed she has allowed me into her life only 8 months into our relationship. As I watched her sleep I felt overwhelming gratitude to her biological parents. They blessed Brad and I with their child and I found myself longing to tell them how grateful I am, and so very sad to know I will never be able to thank them or to let them know just how healthy and happy their daughter is with us. And now that I am a parent, I felt an overwhelming sadness and pity for them because they will never know her. Isn't it miraculous? We are so connected now, I cannot imagine life without her. Every time she looks up at me and says "mama" my heart jumps. Last night for the first time, she reached out to me and said "mama" in her sleep. This morning she woke up and recognized me instantly and said "mama".
I am so excited to watch her grow up into a young woman, and yet I want to keep her at this needy and innocent place she is right now.
It's hard to fathom everything that our little girl has been thru and still must to go thru, both physically and emotionally. But I know now that she will OK-WE WILL BE OK! ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO GOD!!!!
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