Hide-No-Peek

About a month ago Natalie announced that she wanted to play "hide-no-peek", and ran off to the kitchen and hid under the table.  We have no idea where she learned the game "hide-and-seek", but it's a favorite of hers to play, now.   This is how things have been for the past couple months-SUDDEN.  After we arrived home from our vacation in late October, I contacted the Lancaster County Early Intervention.  We felt Natalie's language was progressing too slowly.  She could identify objects with one word, but still was not putting two words together.  She tested at having at least a 25% delay in expressive language.  In all other areas, she was well within the average range for her age group.  Although we knew the language delay had to do with English being a second language for her, we had been told that it was a wise move to have speech therapy now so that she was not delayed after beginning school.  So, we set up therapy sessions, bi-weekly, starting in december.  But, by the time her first session came around, she was starting to put not only 2 words, but 3 words together, such as "Mama read book".   And by the beginning of January she was speaking in complete short sentences, using pronouns, verbs and adjectives.  On January 6th, Natalie had her evaluation with the IU 13, since she turns 3 in March the early intervention team wanted to get things in line for her easy transition out of their program and into the next step.  Well, she no longer qualifies for therapy.  They tested her thru the 3 1/2 year old test and stopped, even though they could have gone further.  They discovered that she uses the back of her throat when speaking, and I discovered that she tries to speak thru clenched teeth instead of opening her mouth to pronounce her words.  We assume that is Mandarin.  Other than that she tested average or above average in her abilities.  They noted she can "multitask" which most 3 year olds cannot do.  In other words, she was able to answer their test questions at the same time she was playing with a particular toy.  They were very impressed with the fact that she was able to understand everything that was asked of her and that she followed directions, precisely. They were so impressed with how advanced she was especially since she has only been with us for 1 year, that they want us to bring her back to be tested before she goes to kindergarten, just to see how advanced she will be at that time.  The following week was her scheduled speech therapy session and her tharapist "graduated" her out of the program after only 4 sessions. How amazing!

Natalie is also beginning to understand "feelings" and how to express them correctly.  For example, the other day she was watching "Snoopy's Reunion" and the little girl who had chosen Snoopy as a puppy was crying because she had to take him back to the farm (because they were not allowed to have animals in the apartment building), and when I looked over at Natalie, she was crying too-this was not the first time she saw the movie.  Last evening I got very upset with her because she was being mean to "Dada".  This morning at breakfast she asked if "Mama upset?"  But with this new ability to express feelings comes alot of "trauma baggage" from her life.

Natalie is having so many different emotions that come unexpectedly and in such extremes.  The past two months have been roller coaster rides of fear, frustration and despair.  We spent the first couple of weeks dealing with her anger.  It had been gradually appearing on a daily basis, and culminated on what would have been the week we arrived home in the States-one year ago (January 22).  We understood the trauma induced anger-we took her away from everything she knew and people she was beginning to care for and trust.  We turned her world upside down in every way, shape, and form possible! And completely against her will!  For nearly 3 years she has had NO control over any aspect of her life, and just at a time when toddlers are beginning to understand independence and taking contol-we took all that away from her.  She has been living this past year on FEAR-fear she will again be abandoned, a fear of trust and love.   I could deal with and completely understand the anger.  But Brad has been having the worst time of it.  She even hit him one evening-just out of the blue.  And more often than not she yells at him to "go away". (All the while treating other men in her life, kindly.)  And she has gone back to her reactive coping behaviors, such as banging her head at night and other sleep issues, as well.

Even though I understood, I was getting frustrated, so I contacted the therapist whom had put us on a waiting list 7 months ago for attachment/bonding issues.  Thank goodness we received answered prayer.  I started therapy 4 weeks ago.  Anyway, Natalie's anger has begun to dissipate and I was hopeful we were past this, but we just entered into another phase.

One Monday night Natalie woke from a nightmare.  This one was particularly bad.  She was crying and screaming.  I immediately got up and as I was headed out of my room she yelled "mama".  It was the first time she has ever called for me in the night!  It was one of the events I have waited for all year.  And although my heart skipped a beat when I heard her call for me, I was so afraid for her.  When I arrived in her room, she was standing on the bed crying with her arms out stretched for me.  I was able to calm her and get her back to sleep within a half an hour.  The next morning she woke quite cheerful.  That evening she and Brad were playing as they always do.  We were all laughing and having fun.  When suddenly she stopped playing, came over to me, crawled onto my lap, looked me in the eyes, gave me a kiss and said "goodbye Mama."  She left my lap, walked away from both of us, laid down on the floor, rolled up into a ball and started crying.  We were so taken off guard, we weren't sure what to do.  So I picked her up, put her on my lap and asked why she was crying.  She kissed me again, said "goodbye Mama", and again curled up into a ball and continued crying.  This time I picked her up and told her that Mama and Dada are not going anywhere-we are not saying goodbye and she was not saying goodbye.  She just cried harder and kept saying goodbye Mama.  Then it clicked: once she stopped crying so hard, I asked her, "Natalie, did your China Mama and Baba say goodbye to you?" She looked at me and said "Yes".  I then asked, "were your China Mama and Baba sad?"  She said "Yes", and started weeping.  I then asked, "Natalie were you sad?"  And with that question, she shut down!  Suddenly she put her smile on and wanted to play.  However, getting her to sleep that night was another story.

In between the anger, this latest insight into her past and the emotions from her emerging memories, she has severe meltdowns and nothing we do or say helps-which some days takes me to the brink of despair.  No child should have to go thru the trauma Natalie has lived thru.  There are days that I just stop in my tracks and watch her and I am so thoroughly amazed at this miracle in our life!  We have been so miraculously blessed to have been given such a bright, beautiful, and sensitive child.  I am even more amazed at the plan God had for my life and how it was executed to perfection.  But I will never understand  what I did to deserve such blessings! Brad and Natalie are my life!