Celebrating Two Years With Natalie

Two years ago today, we officially and legally adopted our daughter, half-way around the world in a foreign city.  It is amazing how our biological clocks know when a life-changing event took place even years later!  Images of our trip have been flooding my mind-foods, feelings, colors, sounds, the people.
I was sick for most of the 16 days we spent in China, and I was feeling so miserable until we got home that I swore I would never go back!  It is true what they say-as you move away from traumatic events, you can begin to let go of the bad memories and hold on to the good.  Perhaps that is why each generation can look back on their past, nostalgically, as "the best years".  It makes moving forward-easier.  I keep in touch with several other families who traveled with us and adopted their children.  Three of those families are starting the paperwork to go back to adopt again-in fact, one family is there right now.  People have asked over the last two years if I would adopt again, and I said no, one child is enough.  But if I was younger and had another $30,000-I would!  (Although I cannot speak for my dear husband, however.) 

There are moments-very fleeting moments-where I wonder if we did the right thing for Natalie.  Should we have taken her away from her native country?  We gave her a family and love and-we hope-opportunities she would not have gotten in China. We had expected to save her life, but she had the first heart surgery in China.  Would she have gotten the second one or would she have died at a young age? She's a fighter, but how long would her heart have held out?  But, we also brought her to a place where no one else looks like her.  We took her away from a country which is booming, growing and changing, to one which is in economic crisis and stagnate.  Someday, would her chinese parents try to find her-only to discover she was gone?  And then, the worst feeling of all, would she have been safer in China?  (I don't think China has mass shootings in elementary schools!)  As a nation we have paid and continue to pay a terrible price for our freedoms-but it is those very freedoms that make our Nation so desirable among other nations.  The one thing I discovered about the Chinese people-they are a complex people.  They love their country-but they secretly want to be just like America. They are fascinated with us! (Whenever Brad and I got into the car, our chinese guide would put on American music from the 70's and 80's and sing along-Barry Manilow and Richard Marx, for example.  Brad and I would secretly look at each other, smile and snicker-music we hadn't heard since high school!)

While we were in China, Brad and I were terribly self conscious!  It's very disconcerting to visit another country where everyone is of the same race, except for yourself.  We take our country and it's diverse peoples for granted!  We are so use to seeing all different races, nationalities, and ethnic groups on a daily basis-where we work, go to church, in our neighborhood, and on TV.  We were so uncomfortable in China-standing out everywhere we went.  But, looking back on our time there-(our guides wouldn't let us stay hidden in our hotels; they constantly had things for us to do and places to see)-I see now that the people were not only fascinated with us, but very pleasant  and kind.  I wish I could have spoken the language- we could have had many, many interesting conversations.  Infact, I was beginning to feel comfortable in Nanjing by the end of our week stay, and I look forward to returning, someday. 


We had to promise the Chinese Government that we would teach our daughter about her chinese heritage.  During our first year and a half home our priority was to limit stimulation and to bond with and help her to learn the English language.  Natalie was 22 months old, but in terms of her physical, social, emotional, psycological growth, and language  she was really only 12 month old.  In 2 years her growth has been astronomical!  She has developed her own unique personality and spirit.  She has become my inspiration!  She has taught me to make boundaries and stand up for myself and my family.  She has shown me how to have compassion and understanding for others.  And she has given me strength and grace to accept the things I cannot change and the hope and faith to believe that God is in control and works everything for my good as He sees it, not as I see it or want it to be.  Natalie brings out the best in me!  One morning shortly before Christmas Natalie said to me, "Mama I belong here.  You will be my Mama forever and Dada will be my Dada forever."  And just as Jesus' mother Mary, I will treasure all these things and ponder them in my heart always.

I don't know what the future holds.  I don't know if Natalie will want to know anything about her heritage.  I don't know if she will be angry at us for taking her away from China.  I don't want her to be "grateful" to us for "saving" her life, because only God can do that.  But I do hope she will always know deep in her heart and soul that we love her for who she is and who she will become-thru all the good and the bad, the sad and happy.  She is loved by us UNCONDITIONALLY.  She was given to us by God and is a blessing to us each and every day!  I will keep my promise to China-I am searching for and reading anything and everything I can on China and it's people.  I will make sure she knows her heritage and it's traditions, and I will support her in any way I can if she decides to return home one day.  She is both American and Chinese!We love you Natalie-please never doubt that!!!!

Blessed Beyond Measure

Natalie's preschool is 25 minutes away from home.  Because she only attends for 3 hours, instead of using up the gas and putting so many miles on our car, I simply stay at the school.  When the weather was nice, I brought my road bike and rode for an hour or so.  The closest grocery store is 10 minutes away, so I sometimes do my shopping while she is at school.  Now that the weather is cold and windy (and rather wet), I have been staying at the school and reading or using the time to update her blog and work on her photo albums.  I don't often get to see her, but today she walked past me with her classmates and when she saw me she got the biggest smile on her little face and she waved to me.  That one little moment made my day-my heart leaped with so much joy.

 I loved Natalie long before we knew her-long before she was ever born.  God grafted her into my heart.  He told me everything about her-she is everything I had always dreamed.  Isn't it amazing?  I loved her so much that there were times I cried over the child that was only a dream in my heart and mind.  I loved her so much that I ached for her and longed for her.  I had become so despondent when I reached 35 years of age and we were no closer to starting the adoption, (and every year after that was even harder).  But, praise God, I had two beautiful christian friends in my life, my sister-in-law and best friend Caroline and my cousin Beth who both understood my dream and knew that everything was in God's timing.  When those moments of fear, despair and hopelessness would hit me, and I wondered whether or not I would ever adopt, they heard me, they helped me through my tears and reminded me that this IS my path, the dream was real and the adoption would happen in God's timing-not mine!  My little girl had not been born yet.   I think the hardest part of being a christian is to trust that God knows you and His plan, in His timing, is the only way to live.  He gives us free will to choose, but it is our responsibilty to pray and talk with Him in every decision we make throughout our lives.  We must trust and hope in Him.  This is the most important thing I can pass onto my child, and I hope this blog and my personal diaries will convey this to her one day.  That's not to say that my faith doesn't waver.  That doesn't mean I don't question every decision I make-even in the back of my mind, there have been times, in which I question the existence of God.  My faith has gone thru many crisis over the years and I know there will be more.  But at each moment of crisis and despair I have always cried out to Him for help and direction.  There were times he answered me immediately and there have been times it has taken months and years for an answer.  But He DOES answer.  Natalie is proof of that hope and trust in God.  My wonderful loving marriage is proof of that hope and trust in God. 

That one little moment-that one little smile from Natalie- I will hold in my heart forever.  I never knew I could have so much love for my husband and my child.  I love being with them both.  I physically miss them when they are not with me.  What did I do to deserve such blessings?  Nothing.  Only by God's grace have I been blessed and loved.  That is adoption!

Why this Blog?

Some people wonder why I keep a  blog.  I wondered the same thing the first time the idea was presented to me.  This blog can be very personal, even offend some people who may read it.  But there are three very important reasons.  First and foremost this blog is for Natalie-a chronicle of Natalie's life from the moment we "chose" her to be our daughter-from that moment we made the conscience decision to change her life forever.  Second, it is another way for me to express my feelings about being Natalie's mama-another source outside my personal diary.  And lastly, I keep access to this blog open for people to read, because, like me, there are many adoptive parents out there who need to know they are not alone in their struggles to raise an internationally institutionalized special needs child.  I am constantly looking for that support and reassurance from other parents because only they can understand what it is like to parent such a beloved child.  My prayer for everyone who reads this blog and others like it, is that they may be blessed with an open mind to the special circumstances which are involved in parenting an adopted child who has PTSS and become more supportive of the orphans and widows of this world.

*"Institutionalized children have a 'stressed-shaped' brain.  Therefore they lack behavioral and emotional control.  A child's response to stress is to 'rev up' or 'shut down'.  (This can happen many times a day, and very abruptly.)  Such jerky behaviors, with little or no modulation from one emotion to another and abrupt transitions, are a result of an 'on and off' method of controlling energy.  Without the ability for self-control (self-regulation) it makes it difficult for a child to connect with others, focus attention and learn new things.  This ability to self-regulate takes place between infant and parent, but many internationally adopted children do not get this kind of interaction."  Natalie was blessed (we can only assume) to have this learning experience for the first six months of her life, which is why there are times her behavior is "normal", and she can self-regulate her emotions and behaviors.  Unfortunately, she lost that ability for 1 1/2 years before coming to us, and in its place, she developed survival skills.  Therefore she does not always know how to use her self-control and as a result needs extra attention, understanding and patience to help her to learn and activate these skills. 

The mind-set of most people is: as long as you just love the child and treat her like any normal kid, then she will be just fine.  But these children are far from normal.  And should not be treated in the same manor.  For the first year or more of their lives they did not have the love, attention, safety, predictability, and most importantly the bonding/attachment to one/two parents.  It has only been in the last 20 years that studies have proven just how important this is to the emotional stability and health of a child.  For the first year we had Natalie I heard over and over again from family members, friends and complete strangers, 'oh she's a normal 2 year old' and 'oh that's just the terrible two's'.  I had moments of distraught loneliness.  My husband couldn't understand or help because Natalie rejected him completely and he had his own psychological  emotions to deal with.  What saved me was learning to trust in my judgement as Natalie's parent.  I knew her anger and her shut-downs were similar to the terrible two's (and now the three's).  But they went much further!  And because Natalie latched on to me-I learned how to respond to her inappropriately intense emotions and her intense lack of them., and she only trusts me to help calm her down.  There were and still are days in which I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride-on the verge of screaming or getting sick.  She expresses emotions in excess of what we believe is called for at the time (what might be considered normal) - explosive outbursts to minor things such as not getting her way, Brad arriving home from work, a casual remark, an innocent look or touch.

There are some adoption books that I rely heavily on for support and training.  I read them before Natalie's adoption and I re-read them all the time.  I refer to them throughout the years.  They have become a great comfort to me.  There is one paragragh I have read, re-read and now have posted in my bedroom to read everyday.  For any adoptive parent it is important to hear:

**"Most of us were not taught about our post-institutional child's deep need for control, or clingy, anxious attachment, or what to do about lingering orphanage behaviors.  Parenting a new child with adoption issues can be exhausting, overwhelming, and bewildering.  It is extremely depressing to feel like you are a failure at parenthood, but you are not.  You may simply be working off the parenting role model you were raised with-it doesn't work with our post-institutionalized kids."

So the next time that well-meaning person decides to give you unsolicited advice about your child, keep in mind, they don't understand, they really don't want to understand, (so save your breath), smile, but do what you know is best for your child.  And I hope that our experiences with our precious beloved Natalie can help another parent and/or adoptee.

 *  quoted from 'Adoption Parenting edited by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae
** quoted from 'Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child' by Patty Cogen

"Mama, I love you, I won't leave you"

Natalie has been home with us for 1 1/2 years-the same amount of time she spent in the orphanage.  She now has as many memories of her new life as her old.  She has made unprecedented progress in such a short time.  Often, older children coming out of orphanages are behind developmentally for years.  Natalie is now at least in the 50th percentile or higher, physically and intellectually, and we have seen great strides in her emotional development.  She is truly an amazing individual.  In only 5 months she went from putting three words together, most times unrecognizable, to speaking in complete understandable sentences-in English (her second language).  She has definitively developed her own personality.  She is sensitive and intuitive: one morning last week I was not feeling well.  I was sitting there on the edge of the bed and she crawled in the bed, came up behind me, put her arms around me, and said "Don't worry Mama, I take care of you" and gave me a big hug.  She is persistent and determined:  we were at the park, and there were lots of other children there that day.  Natalie wanted to play on an apparatus that was occupied by two boys, about ages 4 and 6.  When she tried to join them they would yell, "get off" and throw mean looks her direction.  She would proceed to get off, analyze the situation, and get right back on.  At one point the older boy pushed her away, in hopes that she would get his point.  She came right back.  The grandfather of the boys warned me to keep an eye on the older one because he could be a little rough.  I looked at Natalie and responded, "I think my daughter can hold her own."  It wasn't long before the three of them (the boys and Natalie) were playing together and having great fun.  (She seems to be "gravitating" towards boys-older boys-oh my, look out!)  She is observant and cautiously curious.  And she can be serious and silly.  She's just BEAUTIFUL! 

One of the very thoughtful gifts I received at the "toddler shower" (last year-after arriving home from China) was a picture frame with "Gotcha Day" and the date inscribed on it.  For Brad and I that day was both an anxious, exhilarating, happy, and heart breaking day.  But for Natalie it was sad, confusing and terrifying.  Not one picture from that day shows a "happily ever after" family.   For months the frame remained empty-void of a picture.  Then a good friend told me that she had a framed picture of their adopted daughter from her Gotcha Day and every time she looks at it, it is a reminder of the trauma her daughter endured.  So I put Natalie's sad picture in that frame.  The other day Natalie came into our room.  She said, "I want to show you something Mama."  I asked her what it was.  She immediately walked over to that picture, picked it up and said, "this is me.  I was very sad, I did not know my Mama and my Dada."  She is very perceptive.  The past couple weeks she has become very interested in "her" story and "her" pictures, and can recite her adoption story as only a three year old can. 

Last year she was desperately attached to me-out of fear of being abandoned yet again- but she feared intimacy, physically and emotionally rejecting the love we showered upon her.  She treated me like a "caretaker" and Brad like a monster to be feared.  In the orphanage, she learned that the only way to get attention was to smile and put on a show for others.  In public, everyone thought she was cute, adorable and 'oh so normal'.  But, at home, she literally pushed us away, just to see if we would really love her and not leave her- with sleepless nights from night terrors, nightmares and regressive emotions.  Each time I became discouraged, I looked at that "Gotcha Day" photo as my reminder to remain patient and understanding of the trauma she has endured.  Today she is an overly energetic preschooler who loves hugs and kisses (and to be tickled) from Mama and Dada.  She lives for our undivided attention, and doesn't cling to me out of fear, so much anymore.  Everynight she says "I love you, I'm not going to leave you."

After a year of quiet and limited stimulation, Brad and I have been having great fun watching Natalie experience new things, like Hershey Park.

Now that she understands the language, she loved Easter, and we got her first Easter basket! (Can you tell she loves the Pooh characters?)

She is no longer afraid of water.  She got into the creek and pool for the first time this year, and we are having a hard time keeping her out of water-she has to play in the kitchen sink when I wash dishes, she stomps in puddles and loves being sprayed with the hose.  We are headed to the beach in a couple of weeks, and now that she is no longer afraid of sand, we are looking forward to watching her play in God's giant sand box!

Now my silly girl is ready for preschool this September.  She loves to play with other children.  Each new child she meets instantly become her "new best friends".  (Oh my, the innocence of children-why does it become so complicated as we get older?)

Mama, can we go to cabin house now?

We went to the mountains last weekend-well, as Natalie likes to call it, the 'cabin house'.  Brad and I have taken over responsibility for the family cabin, which is located in State College.  We have had Natalie there 6 times, and she LOVES IT!  I think we were both surprised by how quickly she took to staying there, but I now know she loves having Mama and especially Dada ALL TO HERSELF!  For months, Natalie hasn't wanted much to do with Brad, so it was so nice to see her following him everywhere, sitting on his lap, letting him read books, and spontaneously giving hugs and kisses.

We went mainly to cut wood to replace what we burnt over the winter and to catch up on some much needed sleep.  Poor Natalie, although she has been having less nightmares, she had both nightmares and night terrors while we were there.  Her bad dreams now seem to be coming soon after she goes to sleep-which for me is much better.  Many times I am not in bed or asleep yet when she wakes, and after I get her back to sleep she has been sleeping thru the remainder of the night, which has been a great help for me-no more interrupted sleeps-it's a good thing I am already a night owl!

Someone recently said to me (about Natalie's nightmares) that "bad things happen to everyone, you just have to learn to deal with it."  The comment caught me a little off guard---so I simply stopped talking about Natalie.  She was not wrong in what she said-yes, life can be difficult and as human beings we DO learn to adapt-even babies.  But,  how many of us were abandoned by our mom and dad at 6 months (old enough to carry those memories)...how many of us were born with a life threatening illness AND had open heart surgery less than a year after our abandonment...how many of us were, again, abandoned by the people we were beginning to trust during that surgery/recovery...how many of us lived in an institution where we were left alone in our bed more often than we had human touch and warmth...and THEN how many of us were abandoned, yet again, and left in the arms of complete strangers who didn't even speak the same language-forced onto an airplane only to be taken to a place which was like NONE other we had ever seen...how many of us have nightmares and night terror nearly every night?  YES, as human beings we have the amazing ability to reason and think thru our circumstances and choose to adapt...WHEN WE ARE ADULTS!  But Natalie, and most of the abandoned children in China did NOT choose their circumstances...were unable to understand, reason and, in most cases, to survive.  How many children are alive, but their spirit is dead?  Because THAT is what dies when we do not have the nurture, love, and trust of those responsible for our care during the first 2 years of life!  In many ways Natalie was blessed to have been with people who loved her for the first 6 months of her existence in this world.  And I believe that she WAS loved and cherished, because she has a beautiful, caring spirit.  I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE that her biological parents loved her, wanted her, and still mourn her.  I know that my daughter will be a strong, sensitive, and loving person with a happy and healthy spirit.  BUT, THAT TRAUMA will also define who she is and will become, and it is my job as a parent to continuously help her thru those moments of anguish, despair, anger and confusion (and nightmares).  I WILL NOT brush her feelings aside and just assume she will learn how to deal with them.  It is our job to do whatever we can to help her.  “The way we understand both our present and our future depends on what we have lived through.” (from Xinran's book)

 I want to believe  the comment that was made to me was because that person was uncomfortable discussing the facts of Natalie's situation...that she was uncomfortable with anything outside of her beautiful and protected life.  I certainly don't want to stress anyone more than they already are-because every one's lives are stressful enough but I also believe that you truly cannot understand anyone elses circumstances until you have walked in their shoes.  I also do not believe that we should turn a blind eye or stick our head in the mud to others plights.  As a society we are much too selfish and self-centered, and it is much easier to ignore than to be educated.  If anyone is interested, there are three books which are accurate accounts of the life of orphans in China and the stories of the mothers who give up their flesh and blood.  Here are the titles:

1. " A Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother; Stories of Love and Loss"  by Xinran

2. "Silent Tears; A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage"  by Kay Bratt

3. "Chasing China; A Daughter's Quest for Truth"  by Kay Bratt

I hope everyone considers reading them, especially if you are having a hard time understanding WHY anyone would go around the world to adopt a child of different culture and race.  (And believe me when I say there are MANY, MANY people who do not understand-Brad and I see it in their faces and attitude everywhere we go.) If anyone wonders why just look at this before and after picture:



First time Natalie met us-January 10, 2011



Home 1 year 2 months-March 24, 2012

A Perfect Day

Getting to sleep in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snuggling in bed with Natalie, having breakfast together as a family.

Listening to Dada and Natalie laugh and play together the rest of the morning-such games as "horsey", hide and seek, and chase.

Going to Susquehanna State Park and watching Natalie run around, hang over the railing watching the amazing and powerful Susquehanna River flow, seeing the satisfied accomplishment on her face as she climbs the bars on the jungle gym and walks UP the sliding board without any help (well, she did have to tell us to "Let go of butt!").

Spending the remainder of the day and sharing dinner with Grandma and Grandpa or Nana and Yaya and seeing just how much Natalie loves them.

Finally, helping Natalie get ready for bedtime, being in awe in her dexterity to screw the cap of the toothpaste on and off with such ease, reading her books, and the privilege to rock her to sleep.

Hide-No-Peek

About a month ago Natalie announced that she wanted to play "hide-no-peek", and ran off to the kitchen and hid under the table.  We have no idea where she learned the game "hide-and-seek", but it's a favorite of hers to play, now.   This is how things have been for the past couple months-SUDDEN.  After we arrived home from our vacation in late October, I contacted the Lancaster County Early Intervention.  We felt Natalie's language was progressing too slowly.  She could identify objects with one word, but still was not putting two words together.  She tested at having at least a 25% delay in expressive language.  In all other areas, she was well within the average range for her age group.  Although we knew the language delay had to do with English being a second language for her, we had been told that it was a wise move to have speech therapy now so that she was not delayed after beginning school.  So, we set up therapy sessions, bi-weekly, starting in december.  But, by the time her first session came around, she was starting to put not only 2 words, but 3 words together, such as "Mama read book".   And by the beginning of January she was speaking in complete short sentences, using pronouns, verbs and adjectives.  On January 6th, Natalie had her evaluation with the IU 13, since she turns 3 in March the early intervention team wanted to get things in line for her easy transition out of their program and into the next step.  Well, she no longer qualifies for therapy.  They tested her thru the 3 1/2 year old test and stopped, even though they could have gone further.  They discovered that she uses the back of her throat when speaking, and I discovered that she tries to speak thru clenched teeth instead of opening her mouth to pronounce her words.  We assume that is Mandarin.  Other than that she tested average or above average in her abilities.  They noted she can "multitask" which most 3 year olds cannot do.  In other words, she was able to answer their test questions at the same time she was playing with a particular toy.  They were very impressed with the fact that she was able to understand everything that was asked of her and that she followed directions, precisely. They were so impressed with how advanced she was especially since she has only been with us for 1 year, that they want us to bring her back to be tested before she goes to kindergarten, just to see how advanced she will be at that time.  The following week was her scheduled speech therapy session and her tharapist "graduated" her out of the program after only 4 sessions. How amazing!

Natalie is also beginning to understand "feelings" and how to express them correctly.  For example, the other day she was watching "Snoopy's Reunion" and the little girl who had chosen Snoopy as a puppy was crying because she had to take him back to the farm (because they were not allowed to have animals in the apartment building), and when I looked over at Natalie, she was crying too-this was not the first time she saw the movie.  Last evening I got very upset with her because she was being mean to "Dada".  This morning at breakfast she asked if "Mama upset?"  But with this new ability to express feelings comes alot of "trauma baggage" from her life.

Natalie is having so many different emotions that come unexpectedly and in such extremes.  The past two months have been roller coaster rides of fear, frustration and despair.  We spent the first couple of weeks dealing with her anger.  It had been gradually appearing on a daily basis, and culminated on what would have been the week we arrived home in the States-one year ago (January 22).  We understood the trauma induced anger-we took her away from everything she knew and people she was beginning to care for and trust.  We turned her world upside down in every way, shape, and form possible! And completely against her will!  For nearly 3 years she has had NO control over any aspect of her life, and just at a time when toddlers are beginning to understand independence and taking contol-we took all that away from her.  She has been living this past year on FEAR-fear she will again be abandoned, a fear of trust and love.   I could deal with and completely understand the anger.  But Brad has been having the worst time of it.  She even hit him one evening-just out of the blue.  And more often than not she yells at him to "go away". (All the while treating other men in her life, kindly.)  And she has gone back to her reactive coping behaviors, such as banging her head at night and other sleep issues, as well.

Even though I understood, I was getting frustrated, so I contacted the therapist whom had put us on a waiting list 7 months ago for attachment/bonding issues.  Thank goodness we received answered prayer.  I started therapy 4 weeks ago.  Anyway, Natalie's anger has begun to dissipate and I was hopeful we were past this, but we just entered into another phase.

One Monday night Natalie woke from a nightmare.  This one was particularly bad.  She was crying and screaming.  I immediately got up and as I was headed out of my room she yelled "mama".  It was the first time she has ever called for me in the night!  It was one of the events I have waited for all year.  And although my heart skipped a beat when I heard her call for me, I was so afraid for her.  When I arrived in her room, she was standing on the bed crying with her arms out stretched for me.  I was able to calm her and get her back to sleep within a half an hour.  The next morning she woke quite cheerful.  That evening she and Brad were playing as they always do.  We were all laughing and having fun.  When suddenly she stopped playing, came over to me, crawled onto my lap, looked me in the eyes, gave me a kiss and said "goodbye Mama."  She left my lap, walked away from both of us, laid down on the floor, rolled up into a ball and started crying.  We were so taken off guard, we weren't sure what to do.  So I picked her up, put her on my lap and asked why she was crying.  She kissed me again, said "goodbye Mama", and again curled up into a ball and continued crying.  This time I picked her up and told her that Mama and Dada are not going anywhere-we are not saying goodbye and she was not saying goodbye.  She just cried harder and kept saying goodbye Mama.  Then it clicked: once she stopped crying so hard, I asked her, "Natalie, did your China Mama and Baba say goodbye to you?" She looked at me and said "Yes".  I then asked, "were your China Mama and Baba sad?"  She said "Yes", and started weeping.  I then asked, "Natalie were you sad?"  And with that question, she shut down!  Suddenly she put her smile on and wanted to play.  However, getting her to sleep that night was another story.

In between the anger, this latest insight into her past and the emotions from her emerging memories, she has severe meltdowns and nothing we do or say helps-which some days takes me to the brink of despair.  No child should have to go thru the trauma Natalie has lived thru.  There are days that I just stop in my tracks and watch her and I am so thoroughly amazed at this miracle in our life!  We have been so miraculously blessed to have been given such a bright, beautiful, and sensitive child.  I am even more amazed at the plan God had for my life and how it was executed to perfection.  But I will never understand  what I did to deserve such blessings! Brad and Natalie are my life!

Getting to know our 2 year old

It's late....I can't sleep. I don't know why. Some nights I lie awake waiting for Natalie to wake from bad dreams so that I can be there for her. We've been so "glued" together for 9 months that I hate being away from her for any length of time. As I watched Natalie sleep in my arms the other night, I thought about my life without her, and I felt such pain, sorrow and fear. It was strange. I knew then that I can NEVER lose my little girl! Oh the pain her Chinese parents must still be feeling!

We are having so much fun watching her discover her new world and learn the language. Right now she names things. For example, when we walk through the yard she will point and say what she sees, like "walnut", "tree", "car", etc. She only says one word at a time-she has not progressed into phrases, yet. She does, what I call, the "happy dance" when Dada comes home from work. We started her in gymnastics (toddler/parent class) for balance and coordination, and now she "jumps" wherever she goes. Amazingly, she loves the balance beam! She loves "Pooh" and looks at me, so seriously, and names all the Winnie the Pooh characters. She'll walk around the house counting to eleven (I'm having a hard time getting her to get out "twelve"). She has a buddy-Linus, one of our male cats. He is so patient with and kind to her. He goes wherever she goes-it's so cute!

She is the most well behaved and patient 2 year old I have ever met! She has more patience than I do! I am feeling really good about our attachment/bonding-although I know it is an ongoing process. Now that we are over a month away from the traumatic anniversary date of her abandonment, she is sleeping through the nights and is OK with me leaving the house for short periods of time. Life seems almost normal. Now we will start to think about her very first Christmas-and I am starting to get excited!

The power of the human memory

It has been documented that "children as young as infants retain memories of very early events in their lives, and children of any age can show the symptoms of posttraumatic stress years later". Our Natalie was abandoned at 6 months of age, and we have to surmise that up until that time she was with her biological parents. If that's true, she would have become comfortably familiar with and securely attached to her first family. Her abandonment was a terribly traumatic experience. I recently read in the recommended book, 'Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child' that "scars from trauma often emerge in the form of an intense emotional upset...Anniversary reactions are emotional and physiological upsets that commemorate a painful event."

The last half of August, Natalie seemed to take a step backward. She became very clingy, fearful when I wasn't in the same room, refusing to go to sleep without me holding her and waking at night- always around 2am-very upset. On September 8 the Lanchester Chorus (of which I am a member) had a concert at Willow Valley Manor Retirement Community. Because Natalie was so fearful of being away from me, we decided that Brad would bring her along to the concert. We thought if she could see me while we sang that she would be ok. But as soon as we arrived I knew she would not be happy sitting on Brad's lap and watching Mama. We came prepared with books, and Brad took her for a walk and tried reading to her. The concert took nearly one hour and Brad never returned to the room with Natalie. I immediately went looking for them when the concert ended and from a distance I could hear her yelling "Mama, Mama". I found them sitting in a corner down one of the hallways. As soon as she spotted me she started screaming and crying "Mama". I had NEVER heard such desperation and utter terror in her voice before. I was so scared by her terror that I dropped everything and ran to her-I started crying myself. It didn't take long to calm her down, but she refused to let go of me the rest of the evening. What caused the terror she felt? Had I read this book before that night I might have understood. Natalie had been abandoned on September 4 2009.

The prevailing opinion among society is there is no way a 6 month old child can remember a trauma 2 years later. But, I know SHE DID! "How a person's mind and body keep track of anniversaries of trauma on a weekly or yearly schedule is not completely understood...But anniversary reactions are an accepted phenomenon among clinicians and researchers who study trauma..." As we have been moving away from that date, she has become more peaceful and less fearful. Brad and I are left with so many unanswered questions, so we must do or own detective work to come up with a theory on the event of her abandonment.

It's been a difficult spring/summer

This child…..this 'stranger'…...this little person that we brought into our lives only 7 months ago is so precious and truly, truly an amazing miracle. Adoption is HARD…..adoption of an older child is even HARDER. There are no books-no social workers-no internet sites or blogs, that can prepare you for the pain and heartache of letting a walking, talking, sensitive, independent, and stubborn little person into your life. How do you get thru to a child that has not known you since birth….how do you bond with someone who only knows abandonment and heartache?

The past few months have been difficult ones. On the surface (in public) everything looked perfect. Brad and Liz have the "cutest" little girl. She smiles and waves to everyone she sees. She wants to hold hands with everyone she greets. How cute is that? In reality, she would have walked away with a complete stranger and in fact she almost did. If that doesn't stop a mother's heart, I can tell you what will: One night I heard a loud persistent banging coming from Natalie's room. When I entered she was laying on her stomach, lifting her entire upper body up off the mattress and throwing herself down on her face. When I picked up her up and placed her unto her back, I found that she was very much awake! She looked at me with NO recognition in her eyes. I immediately knew that she did not know who I was, so I began to talk to her, and she proceeded to shrink away from me and curl up in the corner of her bed in fear.

That night was a huge wake up call! But it wasn't just night time where we were having problems….things only I knew were not right. Everyone continued to tell me that "she's just a typical 2 year old", but my heart and my head was telling me that there were underlying behaviors that were NOT normal 2 year old characteristics. I was afraid to take her out into public-mainly because total strangers wanted to touch her wherever we went. People I knew, but were complete strangers to her wanted to hold her! I became VERY uncomfortable and fearful. There was an alarm going off in my head that said something was not right with our relationship. We had her tested for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and thank goodness all those tests came back normal. It was recommended that we find an OT qualified in attachment/bonding with adopted institutionalized/abandoned children. We were also "warned" that in this area, there are so few qualified therapists that the waiting list is at least 6 months. After doing my own research, I discovered the waiting list to be 6 mo. to 1 yr. We were cautioned by other OT's and adoptive parents to be sure that the therapist we see is definitely qualified in attachment disorders with institutionalized children because these kids are treated completely different than a biological child with attachment disorders. So, after feeling completely defeated and discouraged, I put us on the waiting list and asked other adoptive mothers for help.

Natalie's head banging at night was getting exceedingly worse. We were also having a harder time getting her to sleep at night-she fights sleep as hard as she can. There were nights I was up with her till 1:00am. And to make matters worse, she refused to be held…she would scream, cry, kick and push me away when I tried to comfort her or hold her. We were told about "holding therapy", where you hold the child against their will as tightly as possible and let them kick and scream until they just give in and go limp. Things were getting so bad and I was so upset because Natalie was pulling away from me and shutting down emotionally, we decided to try that form of therapy without seeing a therapist first. The first night I tried holding her, she became so hysterical that I began to cry. Natalie is so strong! She kicked and squirmed and hit....you should have seen the bruises on my arms! She went on like this so long and so violently we were afraid of doing harm to her heart so we stopped. But I was becoming so desperate that I decided to continue holding her at night-but limited the amount of time and only tried it a few nights a week.

About three weeks ago we turned a corner. After 10 minutes of her fighting I released my hold and instead of her getting off my lap, she put her arms around me and held me tight. After a few more rounds of this we were finally able to calm her down and she finally looked me in the eyes. I looked her directly in the eyes and told her over and over again that we would never leave her and we will always be here when she woke up and that is was safe for her to fall sleep. She fell asleep in my arms for the very first time!!!! I was elated but cautious. The next night Natalie actually WANTED to be on my lap. The first half hour she seemed 'uncomfortable', but then she settled down, looked up at me, held my face, and fell asleep in my arms again!! Most every night since, she has fallen asleep on my lap in the rocking chair. Ever since this change, Natalie has nearly stopped banging her head and sleeping very soundly thru the night.

I have noticed other changes....If she wakes before I get out of bed, she will climb into bed and snuggle up to me and want to be held. She loves to give us hugs and kisses. She will now sit on her Dada's lap and let him read to her. I FINALLY feel a deeper connection to her, and that has made our relationship better. I am also more comfortable with being at home and being her "mama", and I am finding that I have more patience and she is responding better to me as well. I am not quite as "fearful" out in public as I use to be-however, we still do not let strangers touch her or hold her. I want her to learn that not everyone is "as trustworthy as mama and dada" and a simple wave and hello is enough.

I was looking at my daughter's peaceful sleeping face last evening as I was rocking her and I was thinking about all the things she has been thru in her short life and I became overwhelmed. We have been "guessing" the details of Natalie's abandonment-putting together pieces of what may have happened by her behaviors. For example, she hates going to sleep and will do whatever she can to stay awake. Was she abandoned at night? This would make sense, since she was left at the gate of the orphanage-had they left her during the day they may have gotten caught, but at night????? Was she awake or asleep when they said goodbye? Is she afraid to fall asleep because she fears we will not be there when she wakes? Last night Natalie was banging her head. When I went into her room, she started to cry and fuss. Each time I thought I got her back to sleep, laid her down on the bed, then pulled away, she would begin to cry hysterically and grab for me. She was so afraid and sad-my heart just cried out. So I slept in bed with her. (This we have been needing to do more often.) She had to be touching me the whole night.

When I think about what she has been thru in 2 short years, I am amazed she has allowed me into her life only 8 months into our relationship. As I watched her sleep I felt overwhelming gratitude to her biological parents. They blessed Brad and I with their child and I found myself longing to tell them how grateful I am, and so very sad to know I will never be able to thank them or to let them know just how healthy and happy their daughter is with us. And now that I am a parent, I felt an overwhelming sadness and pity for them because they will never know her. Isn't it miraculous? We are so connected now, I cannot imagine life without her. Every time she looks up at me and says "mama" my heart jumps. Last night for the first time, she reached out to me and said "mama" in her sleep. This morning she woke up and recognized me instantly and said "mama".

I am so excited to watch her grow up into a young woman, and yet I want to keep her at this needy and innocent place she is right now.
It's hard to fathom everything that our little girl has been thru and still must to go thru, both physically and emotionally. But I know now that she will OK-WE WILL BE OK! ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO GOD!!!!

Update on Natalie

Just a quick update on our Natalie. She is doing fantastic! She is the happiest little girl I have ever met! It took all of us about 4 weeks after returning home to get back to the normal swing of things, get over being sick (from our trip) and get Natalie into a routine. She sleeps an average of 10-11 hours a night and takes at least an hour nap-I was told that they are not use to all the stimulation so thus the long hours of sleep. Hey, I'm not complaining. After having a few weeks of interrupted sleep, I am enjoying the sleep! The only ongoing issue we have with her is eating habits. She refuses to eat fruits and vegetables, other than bananas. However, she will drink 8oz or more a day of the V-8 Fusion, so we know she is getting her needs there. She seems to "analyze" everything (including her food-each and every bit-which makes "hiding" veggies difficult.) She is extremely smart and learning at an extremely rapid pace! She talks (mostly baby talk) from the time she gets up in the morning until she goes to bed at night, and she has the most infectious smile which sucks everyone in! I have complete strangers stop us wherever we go to say how cute she is. Once she makes up her mind to do something, that's it-it's done. Like, remember how she screamed bloody murder whenever Brad tried to hold her? One day she just decided that he was ok, and now he can do anything with her-like they have known each other forever. She did the same thing with the bottle/sippy cup. She adamantly refused to take the sippy cup-then one day out of the clear blue, she started drinking from it and from that moment on refused the bottle. I suspect that out of the clear blue one day she will be spitting out complete sentences in English. I am hoping and praying she does the same thing for food!

All her blood tests came back negative/normal, and the pediatric cardiologist said the surgery that was done on her heart in china looked good. She does have severe pulmonary valve regurgitation and a slight enlargement of the heart. But the doctors feel she is doing so well, that right now they only want to see her every 6 months. If things remain OK, she should not need the valve replacement surgery until she is at least 10 years of age. Praise God for all the blessings we have been given thus far!

Natalie has now been with us for 2 months and I feel like we have had her since birth. Each day is just an amazing adventure. She is constantly making Brad and I laugh. I am trying to get back to choir on Wednesday nights, but I find I would rather be with her, and she does not like me leaving for very long (about ½ hour is her limit).

God bless everyone!

Brad & Elizabeth Herr

HOME

We are home at last! We arrived safely home at 8pm Saturday the 22nd (1 hour BEFORE we would have boarded a plane for BWI). We are so grateful to my parents who made the trip to Newark, NJ to pick us up at that airport. The flight home was not a good one-15 long hours. Natalie did as well as could be expected, but she slept for only 2 hours of those 15. The remainder of the time she fought sleep with every minute that passed. I told Brad by the time we got over Canada-10 hours into our flight-I felt like a punching bag. She never really cried for long, but she squirmed, kicked, punched, banged her head and literally would not sit still or sleep. She didn't want to be held, but she only wanted me at the same time. It was completely frustrating-and their wasn't a darn thing we could do. I have had a very bad head cold-and breathing was not easy on the plane-and the altitude made everything move to my chest. By the time we got off the plane, I had very little voice and was dehydrated. BUT, by God's grace we survived, and are finally feeling a little better.

Getting Natalie into a routine has been my priority since arriving home. I figure the sooner we are able to show her that each day is the same-the more secure she will feel. (After all, she was on a very regimented schedule at the orphanage, then her world was turned upside down in one day-and she has had NO consistency since then.) However, that is easier said than done with family stopping in and doctor appointments to keep. I thought when we arrived home we would just hunker down and hide in the house for about a month. But I am finding out real quick that I miss getting out of the house, and seeing people. I forgot about how much MY life would change with suddenly having no job to get up to go to each day-ontop of motherhood to a Velcro baby. I suddenly miss "peeing" in peace!

God has been gracious, but I sometimes wonder if the saying "He never gives you more than you can handle" was made up by some delusional human being. We arrived home Saturday night-sick and tired-and Sunday afternoon my husband was rushing one of our cats to the PET Emergency with urinary tract infection. Then yesterday we got a snowstorm and Natalie had a very important pediatrician appointment. But we too survived that. It stopped snowing before we had to leave-we had no problems with the roads-were able to get a few things at Babies R Us, and get home right before round two of the snow hit! We had 9 inches when we woke up this morning.

Natalie was a real trooper at the doctors. They all loved her to death. The pediatrician was pleased with her overall health, but because she had heart surgery in China, she has had NO vaccinations. So round one was yesterday. She got 4 shots, and blood work drawn. I can't believe her resiliency. She cried during the procedures, but had a smile on her face right after it was over. They even had a hard time finding her vein to draw blood-but after it was over, she still had a smile for the nurses and a bye-bye. WOW! Unfortunately, she will have to have more blood drawn tomorrow because she doesn't weigh enough to have taken it all at one time-not looking forward to that.

We introduced her to snow today. She didn't like it, but I know that will all change eventually. We have been blessed with family and friends from OES who have been supplying us with great meals-except for breakfast I haven't had to make a thing-that has been wonderful!!! We would like to try and get to church this Sunday-the Pastor is having a red rose service for Natalie. Otherwise, we will be staying at home.

Again, thank you to everyone for their words of encouragment while we were in China. This blog will not end here-this is an ongoing thing, however, I will eventually make it private.

Our last two days in Guangzhou

Well, we thought this week was never going to end and now we are 24 hours away from leaving Guangzhou and heading to Hong Kong for our flight home on Saturday. The last two days with Natalie have been better. She is better-emotionally. She has been eating very well, and pretty much sleeping through the night.

Yesterday we had to stay in our hotel in case our guide had any questions from the US Consulate, as they took our paperwork to the Consulate for approval to enter the US with a foreign child. The nice thing about the Hague Convention for Adoption is, she will be a US Citizen as soon as she enters US soil. In the afternoon we all boarded a bus and went to the consulate for the swearing-in ceremony. It was a very short oath we took on behalf of our children. We had to raise our right hand as we repeated after the US Official. I wish someone could have taken a picture, because Natalie raised her right hand right along with us! It was the funniest thing! In the evening the majority of the families got together for one last Chinese meal together. I will truly miss them all.

Each evening, after returning from dinner, we have allowed Natalie to run around the very big hotel entrance to run off some energy before bed and to help her get better balance. Throughout the week we have discovered that she was very spoiled by her Nanny. She never fed herself, never walked very much, and got whatever she wanted. In the last week she is now feeding herself (by fingers), and even tried holding a spoon (we need to work on that), and her balance has improved significantly. She is feeling more secure-as she will not hold my hand and will walk quite a distance away from me. Brad and I will let her go away from me and then I would slip around a corner, as he walked beside her. She always made her way back to me, on her own, but never got upset. It has been a few minutes of freedom for me as I let Brad run after her-and she's not clinging to me like Velcro. In the hotel Lobby is a display with red rabbits. This Chinese New Year is the Year of the Rabbit. She LOVES these rabbits-and we have been trying to find one for her, but with no luck. (Thus one of the pictures here.)

Today was our last day with most of the families. We went to Yuexiu Park in the morning. This park is one of the oldest and the largest in Guangzhou. It features the Five Ram Sculpture, which has become the identity of the City. There is an ancient myth that thousands of years ago the people that lived here were very poor and starving to death. They prayed to the God of the Heavens to save them and he sent down 5 Ewe and 5 Ram. With these animals they could make milk and plow fields thus saving the peoples lives. We took a picture of the sculpture. I also included a picture of our National Guide, Maggie, (the one on the left), who met us in Beijing and has been here in Guangzhou with us all week. (Her helper, Becky, is on the right.)

The other night after putting Natalie down, I laid down to watch a movie called "Something the Lord Made". I had never heard of this movie before, but here is a bit of irony for you. The movie is about Dr. Alfred Blalock and his Lab assistant Vivian Thomas, of John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. It was these two men, during WWII, who discovered how to save the "blue baby". They were the first to attempt to repair the heart defect, Tetralogy of Fallow. Natalie's heart defect! Had it not been for these two men, babies born with this particular heart defect would not live to adulthood-mortality rate was 100%. I found it ironic that we would see a movie about our child's heart condition, in China! See it!

Well, this will be my last blog entry until we get home and settled. Thank you to everyone who has followed our journey and prayed for us. Your prayers got us thru some very rough days! We can't wait to get home and see everyone and EAT lots and lots of homemade Dutch Food!!!!!!!!!!!

Pictures of the Family

The Last blog entree I had a hard time loading so many pictures, so I am posting these updated photos seperately.

More Gardens

The weather here the last two days have been warm and sunny. Yesterday we thought it reached 60 degrees and today at least 65. But they are calling for the weather to change here by Thursday - cold and rainy. Yesterday was not good for Natalie. She was awake several times during the night, and refused to eat or drink most of the day. Needless to say I am exhausted. We were taken to Shamian Island, which was settled by the British. The layout of the streets and the buildings are very European. It reminds me of Savannah, Georgia, with all the willow trees and hanging vines. Here they have shoppes that cater to tourists, especially those adopting Chinese children (the consulate is close by.) We bought several traditional items as gifts for Natalie. We will spread these out and give her one each birthday until we run out. We also purchased a traditional dress for her-with the Phoenix on it because that is the meaning of her Chinese name-Feng. The Phoenix means beautiful and good luck. For the longest time I couldn't decide whether to have her baptized in a traditional christian dress or a traditional Chinese dress-she will definitely be baptized in her Chinese dress.

It is interesting all the different opinions we receive by Chinese women. Our guide in Nanjing thought Natalie was older than the age the doctor from the orphanage documented. She also thought she was going to be very tall because she has long fingers. Yesterday a Chinese woman thought she was small for her age. But all find her "very cute". Today three Chinese girls wanted to take our picture with them. We don't know who they were-it was quite humorous. Natalie definitely loves the outdoors-it is where she is the happiest-but I can understand that-she probably was never out of doors before. She seems to be fascinated with plants. We figure she should be a botanist or horticulturalist. We will definitely be sending her with my Uncle Glenn and her cousins Arlie and Ahna, when he takes his nature walks.

The first set of pictures are from our time shopping on the Island. The second set of pictures are from our tour this morning at Yuntai Gardens. This place was very much like Longwood Gardens. It is a man made Garden found at the foot of the White Cloud Mountain. It has many species of flowers and south east Asian plants-also a greenhouse. Today, (up until this moment when we tried to put Natalie down for a nap) she has had a very good day. She slept thru most of the night, and she ate a big breakfast. She continues to have a cold and bad cough. I will be glad to get her home and to the pediatrician next Wednesday-although that too should be a battle ground. She is a very strong little girl and if she does not want to do something, she puts up one huge fight.

We are now counting down! Four more days until we are home!!!! We miss the cats and familiar food. We did find a nice Italian restaurant down the street. And you don't know just how "delicious" Ritz crackers and Chips Ahoy cookies are until you find them in China!