"Mama, I love you, I won't leave you"

Natalie has been home with us for 1 1/2 years-the same amount of time she spent in the orphanage.  She now has as many memories of her new life as her old.  She has made unprecedented progress in such a short time.  Often, older children coming out of orphanages are behind developmentally for years.  Natalie is now at least in the 50th percentile or higher, physically and intellectually, and we have seen great strides in her emotional development.  She is truly an amazing individual.  In only 5 months she went from putting three words together, most times unrecognizable, to speaking in complete understandable sentences-in English (her second language).  She has definitively developed her own personality.  She is sensitive and intuitive: one morning last week I was not feeling well.  I was sitting there on the edge of the bed and she crawled in the bed, came up behind me, put her arms around me, and said "Don't worry Mama, I take care of you" and gave me a big hug.  She is persistent and determined:  we were at the park, and there were lots of other children there that day.  Natalie wanted to play on an apparatus that was occupied by two boys, about ages 4 and 6.  When she tried to join them they would yell, "get off" and throw mean looks her direction.  She would proceed to get off, analyze the situation, and get right back on.  At one point the older boy pushed her away, in hopes that she would get his point.  She came right back.  The grandfather of the boys warned me to keep an eye on the older one because he could be a little rough.  I looked at Natalie and responded, "I think my daughter can hold her own."  It wasn't long before the three of them (the boys and Natalie) were playing together and having great fun.  (She seems to be "gravitating" towards boys-older boys-oh my, look out!)  She is observant and cautiously curious.  And she can be serious and silly.  She's just BEAUTIFUL! 

One of the very thoughtful gifts I received at the "toddler shower" (last year-after arriving home from China) was a picture frame with "Gotcha Day" and the date inscribed on it.  For Brad and I that day was both an anxious, exhilarating, happy, and heart breaking day.  But for Natalie it was sad, confusing and terrifying.  Not one picture from that day shows a "happily ever after" family.   For months the frame remained empty-void of a picture.  Then a good friend told me that she had a framed picture of their adopted daughter from her Gotcha Day and every time she looks at it, it is a reminder of the trauma her daughter endured.  So I put Natalie's sad picture in that frame.  The other day Natalie came into our room.  She said, "I want to show you something Mama."  I asked her what it was.  She immediately walked over to that picture, picked it up and said, "this is me.  I was very sad, I did not know my Mama and my Dada."  She is very perceptive.  The past couple weeks she has become very interested in "her" story and "her" pictures, and can recite her adoption story as only a three year old can. 

Last year she was desperately attached to me-out of fear of being abandoned yet again- but she feared intimacy, physically and emotionally rejecting the love we showered upon her.  She treated me like a "caretaker" and Brad like a monster to be feared.  In the orphanage, she learned that the only way to get attention was to smile and put on a show for others.  In public, everyone thought she was cute, adorable and 'oh so normal'.  But, at home, she literally pushed us away, just to see if we would really love her and not leave her- with sleepless nights from night terrors, nightmares and regressive emotions.  Each time I became discouraged, I looked at that "Gotcha Day" photo as my reminder to remain patient and understanding of the trauma she has endured.  Today she is an overly energetic preschooler who loves hugs and kisses (and to be tickled) from Mama and Dada.  She lives for our undivided attention, and doesn't cling to me out of fear, so much anymore.  Everynight she says "I love you, I'm not going to leave you."

After a year of quiet and limited stimulation, Brad and I have been having great fun watching Natalie experience new things, like Hershey Park.

Now that she understands the language, she loved Easter, and we got her first Easter basket! (Can you tell she loves the Pooh characters?)

She is no longer afraid of water.  She got into the creek and pool for the first time this year, and we are having a hard time keeping her out of water-she has to play in the kitchen sink when I wash dishes, she stomps in puddles and loves being sprayed with the hose.  We are headed to the beach in a couple of weeks, and now that she is no longer afraid of sand, we are looking forward to watching her play in God's giant sand box!

Now my silly girl is ready for preschool this September.  She loves to play with other children.  Each new child she meets instantly become her "new best friends".  (Oh my, the innocence of children-why does it become so complicated as we get older?)

Mama, can we go to cabin house now?

We went to the mountains last weekend-well, as Natalie likes to call it, the 'cabin house'.  Brad and I have taken over responsibility for the family cabin, which is located in State College.  We have had Natalie there 6 times, and she LOVES IT!  I think we were both surprised by how quickly she took to staying there, but I now know she loves having Mama and especially Dada ALL TO HERSELF!  For months, Natalie hasn't wanted much to do with Brad, so it was so nice to see her following him everywhere, sitting on his lap, letting him read books, and spontaneously giving hugs and kisses.

We went mainly to cut wood to replace what we burnt over the winter and to catch up on some much needed sleep.  Poor Natalie, although she has been having less nightmares, she had both nightmares and night terrors while we were there.  Her bad dreams now seem to be coming soon after she goes to sleep-which for me is much better.  Many times I am not in bed or asleep yet when she wakes, and after I get her back to sleep she has been sleeping thru the remainder of the night, which has been a great help for me-no more interrupted sleeps-it's a good thing I am already a night owl!

Someone recently said to me (about Natalie's nightmares) that "bad things happen to everyone, you just have to learn to deal with it."  The comment caught me a little off guard---so I simply stopped talking about Natalie.  She was not wrong in what she said-yes, life can be difficult and as human beings we DO learn to adapt-even babies.  But,  how many of us were abandoned by our mom and dad at 6 months (old enough to carry those memories)...how many of us were born with a life threatening illness AND had open heart surgery less than a year after our abandonment...how many of us were, again, abandoned by the people we were beginning to trust during that surgery/recovery...how many of us lived in an institution where we were left alone in our bed more often than we had human touch and warmth...and THEN how many of us were abandoned, yet again, and left in the arms of complete strangers who didn't even speak the same language-forced onto an airplane only to be taken to a place which was like NONE other we had ever seen...how many of us have nightmares and night terror nearly every night?  YES, as human beings we have the amazing ability to reason and think thru our circumstances and choose to adapt...WHEN WE ARE ADULTS!  But Natalie, and most of the abandoned children in China did NOT choose their circumstances...were unable to understand, reason and, in most cases, to survive.  How many children are alive, but their spirit is dead?  Because THAT is what dies when we do not have the nurture, love, and trust of those responsible for our care during the first 2 years of life!  In many ways Natalie was blessed to have been with people who loved her for the first 6 months of her existence in this world.  And I believe that she WAS loved and cherished, because she has a beautiful, caring spirit.  I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE that her biological parents loved her, wanted her, and still mourn her.  I know that my daughter will be a strong, sensitive, and loving person with a happy and healthy spirit.  BUT, THAT TRAUMA will also define who she is and will become, and it is my job as a parent to continuously help her thru those moments of anguish, despair, anger and confusion (and nightmares).  I WILL NOT brush her feelings aside and just assume she will learn how to deal with them.  It is our job to do whatever we can to help her.  “The way we understand both our present and our future depends on what we have lived through.” (from Xinran's book)

 I want to believe  the comment that was made to me was because that person was uncomfortable discussing the facts of Natalie's situation...that she was uncomfortable with anything outside of her beautiful and protected life.  I certainly don't want to stress anyone more than they already are-because every one's lives are stressful enough but I also believe that you truly cannot understand anyone elses circumstances until you have walked in their shoes.  I also do not believe that we should turn a blind eye or stick our head in the mud to others plights.  As a society we are much too selfish and self-centered, and it is much easier to ignore than to be educated.  If anyone is interested, there are three books which are accurate accounts of the life of orphans in China and the stories of the mothers who give up their flesh and blood.  Here are the titles:

1. " A Message from an Unknown Chinese Mother; Stories of Love and Loss"  by Xinran

2. "Silent Tears; A Journey of Hope in a Chinese Orphanage"  by Kay Bratt

3. "Chasing China; A Daughter's Quest for Truth"  by Kay Bratt

I hope everyone considers reading them, especially if you are having a hard time understanding WHY anyone would go around the world to adopt a child of different culture and race.  (And believe me when I say there are MANY, MANY people who do not understand-Brad and I see it in their faces and attitude everywhere we go.) If anyone wonders why just look at this before and after picture:



First time Natalie met us-January 10, 2011



Home 1 year 2 months-March 24, 2012

A Perfect Day

Getting to sleep in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Snuggling in bed with Natalie, having breakfast together as a family.

Listening to Dada and Natalie laugh and play together the rest of the morning-such games as "horsey", hide and seek, and chase.

Going to Susquehanna State Park and watching Natalie run around, hang over the railing watching the amazing and powerful Susquehanna River flow, seeing the satisfied accomplishment on her face as she climbs the bars on the jungle gym and walks UP the sliding board without any help (well, she did have to tell us to "Let go of butt!").

Spending the remainder of the day and sharing dinner with Grandma and Grandpa or Nana and Yaya and seeing just how much Natalie loves them.

Finally, helping Natalie get ready for bedtime, being in awe in her dexterity to screw the cap of the toothpaste on and off with such ease, reading her books, and the privilege to rock her to sleep.

Hide-No-Peek

About a month ago Natalie announced that she wanted to play "hide-no-peek", and ran off to the kitchen and hid under the table.  We have no idea where she learned the game "hide-and-seek", but it's a favorite of hers to play, now.   This is how things have been for the past couple months-SUDDEN.  After we arrived home from our vacation in late October, I contacted the Lancaster County Early Intervention.  We felt Natalie's language was progressing too slowly.  She could identify objects with one word, but still was not putting two words together.  She tested at having at least a 25% delay in expressive language.  In all other areas, she was well within the average range for her age group.  Although we knew the language delay had to do with English being a second language for her, we had been told that it was a wise move to have speech therapy now so that she was not delayed after beginning school.  So, we set up therapy sessions, bi-weekly, starting in december.  But, by the time her first session came around, she was starting to put not only 2 words, but 3 words together, such as "Mama read book".   And by the beginning of January she was speaking in complete short sentences, using pronouns, verbs and adjectives.  On January 6th, Natalie had her evaluation with the IU 13, since she turns 3 in March the early intervention team wanted to get things in line for her easy transition out of their program and into the next step.  Well, she no longer qualifies for therapy.  They tested her thru the 3 1/2 year old test and stopped, even though they could have gone further.  They discovered that she uses the back of her throat when speaking, and I discovered that she tries to speak thru clenched teeth instead of opening her mouth to pronounce her words.  We assume that is Mandarin.  Other than that she tested average or above average in her abilities.  They noted she can "multitask" which most 3 year olds cannot do.  In other words, she was able to answer their test questions at the same time she was playing with a particular toy.  They were very impressed with the fact that she was able to understand everything that was asked of her and that she followed directions, precisely. They were so impressed with how advanced she was especially since she has only been with us for 1 year, that they want us to bring her back to be tested before she goes to kindergarten, just to see how advanced she will be at that time.  The following week was her scheduled speech therapy session and her tharapist "graduated" her out of the program after only 4 sessions. How amazing!

Natalie is also beginning to understand "feelings" and how to express them correctly.  For example, the other day she was watching "Snoopy's Reunion" and the little girl who had chosen Snoopy as a puppy was crying because she had to take him back to the farm (because they were not allowed to have animals in the apartment building), and when I looked over at Natalie, she was crying too-this was not the first time she saw the movie.  Last evening I got very upset with her because she was being mean to "Dada".  This morning at breakfast she asked if "Mama upset?"  But with this new ability to express feelings comes alot of "trauma baggage" from her life.

Natalie is having so many different emotions that come unexpectedly and in such extremes.  The past two months have been roller coaster rides of fear, frustration and despair.  We spent the first couple of weeks dealing with her anger.  It had been gradually appearing on a daily basis, and culminated on what would have been the week we arrived home in the States-one year ago (January 22).  We understood the trauma induced anger-we took her away from everything she knew and people she was beginning to care for and trust.  We turned her world upside down in every way, shape, and form possible! And completely against her will!  For nearly 3 years she has had NO control over any aspect of her life, and just at a time when toddlers are beginning to understand independence and taking contol-we took all that away from her.  She has been living this past year on FEAR-fear she will again be abandoned, a fear of trust and love.   I could deal with and completely understand the anger.  But Brad has been having the worst time of it.  She even hit him one evening-just out of the blue.  And more often than not she yells at him to "go away". (All the while treating other men in her life, kindly.)  And she has gone back to her reactive coping behaviors, such as banging her head at night and other sleep issues, as well.

Even though I understood, I was getting frustrated, so I contacted the therapist whom had put us on a waiting list 7 months ago for attachment/bonding issues.  Thank goodness we received answered prayer.  I started therapy 4 weeks ago.  Anyway, Natalie's anger has begun to dissipate and I was hopeful we were past this, but we just entered into another phase.

One Monday night Natalie woke from a nightmare.  This one was particularly bad.  She was crying and screaming.  I immediately got up and as I was headed out of my room she yelled "mama".  It was the first time she has ever called for me in the night!  It was one of the events I have waited for all year.  And although my heart skipped a beat when I heard her call for me, I was so afraid for her.  When I arrived in her room, she was standing on the bed crying with her arms out stretched for me.  I was able to calm her and get her back to sleep within a half an hour.  The next morning she woke quite cheerful.  That evening she and Brad were playing as they always do.  We were all laughing and having fun.  When suddenly she stopped playing, came over to me, crawled onto my lap, looked me in the eyes, gave me a kiss and said "goodbye Mama."  She left my lap, walked away from both of us, laid down on the floor, rolled up into a ball and started crying.  We were so taken off guard, we weren't sure what to do.  So I picked her up, put her on my lap and asked why she was crying.  She kissed me again, said "goodbye Mama", and again curled up into a ball and continued crying.  This time I picked her up and told her that Mama and Dada are not going anywhere-we are not saying goodbye and she was not saying goodbye.  She just cried harder and kept saying goodbye Mama.  Then it clicked: once she stopped crying so hard, I asked her, "Natalie, did your China Mama and Baba say goodbye to you?" She looked at me and said "Yes".  I then asked, "were your China Mama and Baba sad?"  She said "Yes", and started weeping.  I then asked, "Natalie were you sad?"  And with that question, she shut down!  Suddenly she put her smile on and wanted to play.  However, getting her to sleep that night was another story.

In between the anger, this latest insight into her past and the emotions from her emerging memories, she has severe meltdowns and nothing we do or say helps-which some days takes me to the brink of despair.  No child should have to go thru the trauma Natalie has lived thru.  There are days that I just stop in my tracks and watch her and I am so thoroughly amazed at this miracle in our life!  We have been so miraculously blessed to have been given such a bright, beautiful, and sensitive child.  I am even more amazed at the plan God had for my life and how it was executed to perfection.  But I will never understand  what I did to deserve such blessings! Brad and Natalie are my life!

Getting to know our 2 year old

It's late....I can't sleep. I don't know why. Some nights I lie awake waiting for Natalie to wake from bad dreams so that I can be there for her. We've been so "glued" together for 9 months that I hate being away from her for any length of time. As I watched Natalie sleep in my arms the other night, I thought about my life without her, and I felt such pain, sorrow and fear. It was strange. I knew then that I can NEVER lose my little girl! Oh the pain her Chinese parents must still be feeling!

We are having so much fun watching her discover her new world and learn the language. Right now she names things. For example, when we walk through the yard she will point and say what she sees, like "walnut", "tree", "car", etc. She only says one word at a time-she has not progressed into phrases, yet. She does, what I call, the "happy dance" when Dada comes home from work. We started her in gymnastics (toddler/parent class) for balance and coordination, and now she "jumps" wherever she goes. Amazingly, she loves the balance beam! She loves "Pooh" and looks at me, so seriously, and names all the Winnie the Pooh characters. She'll walk around the house counting to eleven (I'm having a hard time getting her to get out "twelve"). She has a buddy-Linus, one of our male cats. He is so patient with and kind to her. He goes wherever she goes-it's so cute!

She is the most well behaved and patient 2 year old I have ever met! She has more patience than I do! I am feeling really good about our attachment/bonding-although I know it is an ongoing process. Now that we are over a month away from the traumatic anniversary date of her abandonment, she is sleeping through the nights and is OK with me leaving the house for short periods of time. Life seems almost normal. Now we will start to think about her very first Christmas-and I am starting to get excited!

The power of the human memory

It has been documented that "children as young as infants retain memories of very early events in their lives, and children of any age can show the symptoms of posttraumatic stress years later". Our Natalie was abandoned at 6 months of age, and we have to surmise that up until that time she was with her biological parents. If that's true, she would have become comfortably familiar with and securely attached to her first family. Her abandonment was a terribly traumatic experience. I recently read in the recommended book, 'Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child' that "scars from trauma often emerge in the form of an intense emotional upset...Anniversary reactions are emotional and physiological upsets that commemorate a painful event."

The last half of August, Natalie seemed to take a step backward. She became very clingy, fearful when I wasn't in the same room, refusing to go to sleep without me holding her and waking at night- always around 2am-very upset. On September 8 the Lanchester Chorus (of which I am a member) had a concert at Willow Valley Manor Retirement Community. Because Natalie was so fearful of being away from me, we decided that Brad would bring her along to the concert. We thought if she could see me while we sang that she would be ok. But as soon as we arrived I knew she would not be happy sitting on Brad's lap and watching Mama. We came prepared with books, and Brad took her for a walk and tried reading to her. The concert took nearly one hour and Brad never returned to the room with Natalie. I immediately went looking for them when the concert ended and from a distance I could hear her yelling "Mama, Mama". I found them sitting in a corner down one of the hallways. As soon as she spotted me she started screaming and crying "Mama". I had NEVER heard such desperation and utter terror in her voice before. I was so scared by her terror that I dropped everything and ran to her-I started crying myself. It didn't take long to calm her down, but she refused to let go of me the rest of the evening. What caused the terror she felt? Had I read this book before that night I might have understood. Natalie had been abandoned on September 4 2009.

The prevailing opinion among society is there is no way a 6 month old child can remember a trauma 2 years later. But, I know SHE DID! "How a person's mind and body keep track of anniversaries of trauma on a weekly or yearly schedule is not completely understood...But anniversary reactions are an accepted phenomenon among clinicians and researchers who study trauma..." As we have been moving away from that date, she has become more peaceful and less fearful. Brad and I are left with so many unanswered questions, so we must do or own detective work to come up with a theory on the event of her abandonment.

It's been a difficult spring/summer

This child…..this 'stranger'…...this little person that we brought into our lives only 7 months ago is so precious and truly, truly an amazing miracle. Adoption is HARD…..adoption of an older child is even HARDER. There are no books-no social workers-no internet sites or blogs, that can prepare you for the pain and heartache of letting a walking, talking, sensitive, independent, and stubborn little person into your life. How do you get thru to a child that has not known you since birth….how do you bond with someone who only knows abandonment and heartache?

The past few months have been difficult ones. On the surface (in public) everything looked perfect. Brad and Liz have the "cutest" little girl. She smiles and waves to everyone she sees. She wants to hold hands with everyone she greets. How cute is that? In reality, she would have walked away with a complete stranger and in fact she almost did. If that doesn't stop a mother's heart, I can tell you what will: One night I heard a loud persistent banging coming from Natalie's room. When I entered she was laying on her stomach, lifting her entire upper body up off the mattress and throwing herself down on her face. When I picked up her up and placed her unto her back, I found that she was very much awake! She looked at me with NO recognition in her eyes. I immediately knew that she did not know who I was, so I began to talk to her, and she proceeded to shrink away from me and curl up in the corner of her bed in fear.

That night was a huge wake up call! But it wasn't just night time where we were having problems….things only I knew were not right. Everyone continued to tell me that "she's just a typical 2 year old", but my heart and my head was telling me that there were underlying behaviors that were NOT normal 2 year old characteristics. I was afraid to take her out into public-mainly because total strangers wanted to touch her wherever we went. People I knew, but were complete strangers to her wanted to hold her! I became VERY uncomfortable and fearful. There was an alarm going off in my head that said something was not right with our relationship. We had her tested for SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and thank goodness all those tests came back normal. It was recommended that we find an OT qualified in attachment/bonding with adopted institutionalized/abandoned children. We were also "warned" that in this area, there are so few qualified therapists that the waiting list is at least 6 months. After doing my own research, I discovered the waiting list to be 6 mo. to 1 yr. We were cautioned by other OT's and adoptive parents to be sure that the therapist we see is definitely qualified in attachment disorders with institutionalized children because these kids are treated completely different than a biological child with attachment disorders. So, after feeling completely defeated and discouraged, I put us on the waiting list and asked other adoptive mothers for help.

Natalie's head banging at night was getting exceedingly worse. We were also having a harder time getting her to sleep at night-she fights sleep as hard as she can. There were nights I was up with her till 1:00am. And to make matters worse, she refused to be held…she would scream, cry, kick and push me away when I tried to comfort her or hold her. We were told about "holding therapy", where you hold the child against their will as tightly as possible and let them kick and scream until they just give in and go limp. Things were getting so bad and I was so upset because Natalie was pulling away from me and shutting down emotionally, we decided to try that form of therapy without seeing a therapist first. The first night I tried holding her, she became so hysterical that I began to cry. Natalie is so strong! She kicked and squirmed and hit....you should have seen the bruises on my arms! She went on like this so long and so violently we were afraid of doing harm to her heart so we stopped. But I was becoming so desperate that I decided to continue holding her at night-but limited the amount of time and only tried it a few nights a week.

About three weeks ago we turned a corner. After 10 minutes of her fighting I released my hold and instead of her getting off my lap, she put her arms around me and held me tight. After a few more rounds of this we were finally able to calm her down and she finally looked me in the eyes. I looked her directly in the eyes and told her over and over again that we would never leave her and we will always be here when she woke up and that is was safe for her to fall sleep. She fell asleep in my arms for the very first time!!!! I was elated but cautious. The next night Natalie actually WANTED to be on my lap. The first half hour she seemed 'uncomfortable', but then she settled down, looked up at me, held my face, and fell asleep in my arms again!! Most every night since, she has fallen asleep on my lap in the rocking chair. Ever since this change, Natalie has nearly stopped banging her head and sleeping very soundly thru the night.

I have noticed other changes....If she wakes before I get out of bed, she will climb into bed and snuggle up to me and want to be held. She loves to give us hugs and kisses. She will now sit on her Dada's lap and let him read to her. I FINALLY feel a deeper connection to her, and that has made our relationship better. I am also more comfortable with being at home and being her "mama", and I am finding that I have more patience and she is responding better to me as well. I am not quite as "fearful" out in public as I use to be-however, we still do not let strangers touch her or hold her. I want her to learn that not everyone is "as trustworthy as mama and dada" and a simple wave and hello is enough.

I was looking at my daughter's peaceful sleeping face last evening as I was rocking her and I was thinking about all the things she has been thru in her short life and I became overwhelmed. We have been "guessing" the details of Natalie's abandonment-putting together pieces of what may have happened by her behaviors. For example, she hates going to sleep and will do whatever she can to stay awake. Was she abandoned at night? This would make sense, since she was left at the gate of the orphanage-had they left her during the day they may have gotten caught, but at night????? Was she awake or asleep when they said goodbye? Is she afraid to fall asleep because she fears we will not be there when she wakes? Last night Natalie was banging her head. When I went into her room, she started to cry and fuss. Each time I thought I got her back to sleep, laid her down on the bed, then pulled away, she would begin to cry hysterically and grab for me. She was so afraid and sad-my heart just cried out. So I slept in bed with her. (This we have been needing to do more often.) She had to be touching me the whole night.

When I think about what she has been thru in 2 short years, I am amazed she has allowed me into her life only 8 months into our relationship. As I watched her sleep I felt overwhelming gratitude to her biological parents. They blessed Brad and I with their child and I found myself longing to tell them how grateful I am, and so very sad to know I will never be able to thank them or to let them know just how healthy and happy their daughter is with us. And now that I am a parent, I felt an overwhelming sadness and pity for them because they will never know her. Isn't it miraculous? We are so connected now, I cannot imagine life without her. Every time she looks up at me and says "mama" my heart jumps. Last night for the first time, she reached out to me and said "mama" in her sleep. This morning she woke up and recognized me instantly and said "mama".

I am so excited to watch her grow up into a young woman, and yet I want to keep her at this needy and innocent place she is right now.
It's hard to fathom everything that our little girl has been thru and still must to go thru, both physically and emotionally. But I know now that she will OK-WE WILL BE OK! ALL PRAISE AND GLORY TO GOD!!!!