Some people wonder why I keep a blog. I wondered the same thing the first time the idea was presented to me. This blog can be very personal, even offend some people who may read it. But there are three very important reasons. First and foremost this blog is for Natalie-a chronicle of Natalie's life from the moment we "chose" her to be our daughter-from that moment we made the conscience decision to change her life forever. Second, it is another way for me to express my feelings about being Natalie's mama-another source outside my personal diary. And lastly, I keep access to this blog open for people to read, because, like me, there are many adoptive parents out there who need to know they are not alone in their struggles to raise an internationally institutionalized special needs child. I am constantly looking for that support and reassurance from other parents because only they can understand what it is like to parent such a beloved child. My prayer for everyone who reads this blog and others like it, is that they may be blessed with an open mind to the special circumstances which are involved in parenting an adopted child who has PTSS and become more supportive of the orphans and widows of this world.
*"Institutionalized children have a 'stressed-shaped' brain. Therefore they lack behavioral and emotional control. A child's response to stress is to 'rev up' or 'shut down'. (This can happen many times a day, and very abruptly.) Such jerky behaviors, with little or no modulation from one emotion to another and abrupt transitions, are a result of an 'on and off' method of controlling energy. Without the ability for self-control (self-regulation) it makes it difficult for a child to connect with others, focus attention and learn new things. This ability to self-regulate takes place between infant and parent, but many internationally adopted children do not get this kind of interaction." Natalie was blessed (we can only assume) to have this learning experience for the first six months of her life, which is why there are times her behavior is "normal", and she can self-regulate her emotions and behaviors. Unfortunately, she lost that ability for 1 1/2 years before coming to us, and in its place, she developed survival skills. Therefore she does not always know
how to use her self-control and as a result needs extra attention, understanding and patience to help her to learn and activate these skills.
The mind-set of most people is: as long as you just love the child and treat her like any normal kid, then she will be just fine. But these children are far from normal. And should not be treated in the same manor. For the first year or more of their lives they did not have the love, attention, safety, predictability, and most importantly the bonding/attachment to one/two parents. It has only been in the last 20 years that studies have proven just how important this is to the emotional stability and health of a child. For the first year we had Natalie I heard over and over again from family members, friends and complete strangers, 'oh she's a normal 2 year old' and 'oh that's just the terrible two's'. I had moments of distraught loneliness. My husband couldn't understand or help because Natalie rejected him completely and he had his own psychological emotions to deal with. What saved me was learning to trust in
my judgement as Natalie's parent. I knew her anger and her shut-downs were similar to the terrible two's (and now the three's).
But they went much further! And because Natalie latched on to me-I learned how to respond to her inappropriately intense emotions and her intense lack of them., and she only trusts me to help calm her down. There were and still are days in which I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride-on the verge of screaming or getting sick. She expresses emotions in excess of what we believe is called for at the time (what might be considered normal) - explosive outbursts to minor things such as not getting her way, Brad arriving home from work, a casual remark, an innocent look or touch.
There are some adoption books that I rely heavily on for support and training. I read them before Natalie's adoption and I re-read them all the time. I refer to them throughout the years. They have become a great comfort to me. There is one paragragh I have read, re-read and now have posted in my bedroom to read everyday. For any adoptive parent it is important to hear:
**"Most of us were not taught about our post-institutional child's deep need for control, or clingy, anxious attachment, or what to do about lingering orphanage behaviors. Parenting a new child with adoption issues can be exhausting, overwhelming, and bewildering. It is extremely depressing to feel like you are a failure at parenthood, but you are not. You may simply be working off the parenting role model you were raised with-it doesn't work with our post-institutionalized kids."
So the next time that well-meaning person decides to give you unsolicited advice about your child, keep in mind, they don't understand, they really don't want to understand, (so save your breath), smile, but do what you know is best for your child. And I hope that our experiences with our precious beloved Natalie can help another parent and/or adoptee.
* quoted from 'Adoption Parenting edited by Jean MacLeod & Sheena Macrae
** quoted from 'Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child' by Patty Cogen
