Blessed Beyond Measure

Natalie's preschool is 25 minutes away from home.  Because she only attends for 3 hours, instead of using up the gas and putting so many miles on our car, I simply stay at the school.  When the weather was nice, I brought my road bike and rode for an hour or so.  The closest grocery store is 10 minutes away, so I sometimes do my shopping while she is at school.  Now that the weather is cold and windy (and rather wet), I have been staying at the school and reading or using the time to update her blog and work on her photo albums.  I don't often get to see her, but today she walked past me with her classmates and when she saw me she got the biggest smile on her little face and she waved to me.  That one little moment made my day-my heart leaped with so much joy.

 I loved Natalie long before we knew her-long before she was ever born.  God grafted her into my heart.  He told me everything about her-she is everything I had always dreamed.  Isn't it amazing?  I loved her so much that there were times I cried over the child that was only a dream in my heart and mind.  I loved her so much that I ached for her and longed for her.  I had become so despondent when I reached 35 years of age and we were no closer to starting the adoption, (and every year after that was even harder).  But, praise God, I had two beautiful christian friends in my life, my sister-in-law and best friend Caroline and my cousin Beth who both understood my dream and knew that everything was in God's timing.  When those moments of fear, despair and hopelessness would hit me, and I wondered whether or not I would ever adopt, they heard me, they helped me through my tears and reminded me that this IS my path, the dream was real and the adoption would happen in God's timing-not mine!  My little girl had not been born yet.   I think the hardest part of being a christian is to trust that God knows you and His plan, in His timing, is the only way to live.  He gives us free will to choose, but it is our responsibilty to pray and talk with Him in every decision we make throughout our lives.  We must trust and hope in Him.  This is the most important thing I can pass onto my child, and I hope this blog and my personal diaries will convey this to her one day.  That's not to say that my faith doesn't waver.  That doesn't mean I don't question every decision I make-even in the back of my mind, there have been times, in which I question the existence of God.  My faith has gone thru many crisis over the years and I know there will be more.  But at each moment of crisis and despair I have always cried out to Him for help and direction.  There were times he answered me immediately and there have been times it has taken months and years for an answer.  But He DOES answer.  Natalie is proof of that hope and trust in God.  My wonderful loving marriage is proof of that hope and trust in God. 

That one little moment-that one little smile from Natalie- I will hold in my heart forever.  I never knew I could have so much love for my husband and my child.  I love being with them both.  I physically miss them when they are not with me.  What did I do to deserve such blessings?  Nothing.  Only by God's grace have I been blessed and loved.  That is adoption!